Murder, by Mapo Tofu

Last night Kaz and I popped into what my dear friend Zhao (Chengdu native) calls "the most authentic Sichuan restaurant in Toronto", Ba something Ren Jia Sichuan Guan on Steeles. I was about to find out how true that was, as we ordered one of my favourites, Ma Po Doufu and some Gongbao chicken for good measure. Zhao Zhao always told me that Sichuan food is very spicy because of the pepper, but I mistook this to mean the spice of the chili pepper (la jiao) instead of the foreign item hua jiao (flower pepper?). Kaz said they use this hua jiao pepper in Japan (called sansho) in VERY small quantities, but I was truly unprepared for this taste; unlike anything I've ever eaten. It was very peppery - more like an exorbitant amount of black pepper than chili pepper, and it soon paralyzed my tongue, my lips, and affected my hearing. I think I almost fainted! Kaz and I were both dying, gobbling huge amounts of rice with tears streaming down our faces. I immediately called Zhao, and because my ears were temporarily malfunctioning, I didn't realize that I was yelling very loudly in the otherwise quiet establishment. Of course, I was hollering in Mandarin about dying from hua jiao-induced spice and needing something to take away the pain, and Kaz was getting embarassed. I was getting louder and louder, as my panic grew, and after I yelled "Wo zai si.... la si wo! La si wo!!!!!!" with great vehemence, waitresses bearing water suddenly rushed at us from all sides. I appreciated it, and I apologized for yelling, and the waitresses encouraged me to order their "foreigner version" with fewer offending peppercorns next time. Naturally, I balked at the idea of eating foreigner food of any kind (sidenote: this is Canada and I was born here, so why should I be referred to as a "foreigner"????) and the remaining Ma Po Doufu is waiting for me in the fridge, challenging me. I will eat it! I managed to figure out why I've never eaten this particular spice before: it's not legal to import it, and the chefs actually smuggle it into Canada under their clothes, like a drug. I wonder if it's illegal because of its affect on hearing.....